The Life and Death of Ciel
by T0theM00N
Summary: And all the little mind-@#% s in-betweens. Featuring those lovely time-jumps we all enjoy.
1. Chapter 1: Of Hunger and Bleeding Sides

Midnight.

It was fitting, Ciel thought, as he sat on the cold stone bench, that Sebastian would take him to such a place. But he dispelled such thoughts from his head; it was his time to die, and he would do it with a clear mind.

Sebastian leaned in close, his lips opening in that sly smirk he had always worn. Ciel closed his eyes for the last time.

Then ...

_Smack_.

"Coulda had a V8," Sebastian scolded.

Ciel looked up, his forehead stinging and his mouth open in surprise. Sebastian giggled, not giving any sign that he had almost eaten his master's soul.

"Are you -?" the Earl began, not quite functioning on a normal level. "Are you _mind-raping_ me?"

Sebastian shook his head. "Actually, my lord, I believe this is what humans call 'playing with your food.'"

Ciel gaped up at him, his mind having almost shut down in its near-death state. "What?" he said. Sebastian rolled his eyes.

"Oh, don't worry, I'm still gonna eat you," he said. "I just wanted to mess with you a little bit first."

The Earl sighed, kneading his eyes with the back of his hands. "You're _messing_ with me? That's sick. I'm about to die, and you're still being sick."

"Pretty much."

Ciel let out a groan, before the demon's earlier words came back to him, and he sat up a little straighter on the bench. "Didn't your mother ever tell you not to play with your food?"

Sebastian looked surprised. "Well, no. In the short time that I knew her, she tended to encourage it."

Casting the issue of Sebastian actually having a mother (and not having congealed in a gutter somewhere) aside, Ciel concentrated on one of his more unusual turns of phrase. "Short time?" he said.

"Oh, yes." The butler sat down, crossing his legs and beaming up at the little lord. "You see, we demons eat our matriarchs."

There was a stunned silence.

"It's a bonding thing," Sebastian said. The silence dragged on, until Ciel was quite sure that he was about to be eaten. However, nothing happened.

"Oh, would you hurry up already?" he finally cried, causing the birds above his head to fly away. "The blood in my side has o_ffic_ially dripped down into my underwear, and this bench-thing isn't exactly comfort city!"

Sebastian just grinned. "Would you like a Coke?"

"Would I like a - what?"

The butler stood, crossing the hard floor to what appeared to be a fridge. "Yeah, a Coke. I've got one in the freezer. It's kinda red-looking, so I haven't drank it yet, but if you're gonna die anyway ..."

He came back over, holding an ice-cold bottle in his hand. Ciel stared at it in shock.

"I ... don't think that's Coke," he said. Sebastian shrugged, then gulped the liquid down. A moment passed, and he ran off to puke in a corner.

"No," he coughed, as he reappeared at Ciel's side. "Definitely not Coke. Woulda washed down the taste of soul, though."

He looked wistful.

Ciel let out an angry sigh, and shifted impatiently. "Look, can I just change my underwear?" he asked. "I can't believe you actually changed my clothes, but couldn't be bothered to put on a bandage or two."

"Well, you were gonna die anyway," Sebastian pointed out. The Earl decided to ignore this.

"Can I have a pie?" he asked. "Because it doesn't seem like you're going to end this soon."

Sebastian shrugged, and pointed back toward the fridge. A moment passed.

"Aren't you going to fetch it, then?" Ciel asked. The demon shrugged.

"What am I, your butler? Get it yourself. Fatty."

Resolutely (but mentally) denying that last insult, Ciel heaved himself off the bench, wincing at the suddenly much-more-wet feel of his blood-soaked pantaloons. He opened the fridge door, then slammed it shut again.

"Sebastian," he hissed. "There is a body in the fridge."

The demon shrugged again, not even looking over. He appeared to be doing his nails.

"It's dripping," Ciel added. Sebastian let out an exasperated sigh.

"Young Master, I'm gonna take a guess here and say you have a point. Get to it."

"Well, I hardly think anything that spent time festering next to a skeleton could be sanitary!"

"Shows how much you know," Sebastian muttered. Ciel grit his teeth and turned back to the fridge.

Come on, old chap, he told himself. You've seen dead bodies before. Just shove it out of the way.

He took a breath, then jabbed his fingers into the (rotting) skin.

"Ow," the body said.

"Sebastian!" Ciel screamed, elicitng a grunt from his former slave. "The body is FREAKING MOVING!"

"I have a name," the body said.

"I don't care," Ciel said. Across the room, Sebastian stood with a sigh, making his way to the increasingly un-fun earl.

"Young Master, this is Charlie. Charlie, Young Master."

"Hi," said the body.

"Charmed," Ciel cringed. Sebastian reached into the fridge, managing to simultaneously push Charlie back and pull a pie out. It was musty and covered with spiders.

Closing the refrigerator door and walking back to the bench, Sebastian set the pie on the ground, shooing some of the spiders away. The other ones looked delicious.

"Lemon Meringue, Young Master?" he said. Suddenly, Ciel felt sick.

"No thanks."

The demon picked up one of the hairy arachnids, squeezing the juices onto his tongue. "Suit yourself," he said. Ciel watched for a moment, but turned away when he heard Sebastian calling the spiders names like 'Claude' and 'fat butler'.

"Why is it always me?" he asked.


	2. Chapter 2: Of Womanly ? Needs

Okay, guys, this takes place at the end, where Ash (whom I personally call either the Kraken or the Jabberwock) is flirting with Sebastian (whom I simply call 'the cool guy'). Enjoy.

* * *

"Then perhaps," Ash said, slowly changing form from a man who looked suspiciously like Sebastian to a woman who looked quite a bit plike a man, "you will accept me as a woman."

There was a long pause. Sebastian seemed to be considering.

"Would that mean I'm gay?" the demon said. Angela blinked.

"I beg your pardon?"

"Because you're technically a guy," Sebastian said. "Or maybe a woman? You see, I'm not sure."

(M)Angela blinked again. "Uh. What?"

There was a very long pause. Finally, Sebastian picked up the conversation, remembering that they only had about twenty-three minutes and fifty-sx seconds to do the show - er, talk.

"I wanted to know if having intercourse with you would mean I'm gay or straight," he explained. "Because technically you're not a guy ... but nor are you a girl. It's just confusing."

The angel changed form again, turning back into a man. His mind was whirling to come up with an answer. "I don't - man or girl? I mean, why do you want to know?" he said. "Are you ... I dunno, conflicted, or confused or something? 'Cause I can tell you right now, you're pretty much gay."

Sebastian decided not to respond to that last sentence. "I'm not confused," he said. "At least, not about that. Mostly - I mean, take this: If you were wearing a dress ..."

Ash nodded.

"And you were a girl ..."

Ash nodded again, wondering briefly if he should change shape to make the story more real. He decided against it.

"And then you changed into a man...," Sebastian continued. He pretended not to notice that Ash was taking notes. "Well, would that make you a crossdresser? Or not? 'Cause you _are_ a girl."

"I wish Grelle was here," Ash muttered. "He was so much less confusing."

Sebastian agreed. "So, have you ever done that, or what?"

"Is it even important to the storyline?" the angel asked, gazing at his watch. "Crap, we should've started killing each other ten minutes ago."

"It can wait," Sebastian said. "This is more urgent."

Ash sighed, kneading his temples. "Yeah, okay, sure. It's urgent. Look, Sebastian, we both know you're not gonna have sex with me. I mean, that's the whole reason I asked. 'Cause I knew you'd say no!" He smiled widely, oblivious to the demon's suddenly-dangerous aura.

"You don't find me attractive?" he asked. Ash shrank away.

"Er -"

"What, I'm not sexy enough for Mr. Holy?" Sebastian said. The Jabberwock shook his head, waving his hands in the air.

"No, no, that's not it! It's just - I mean, we've only got twenty-five minutes to do the show -"

"Twenty-three fifty-six," Sebastian corrected.

"- and I just don't think the fans would like to see _that _in the show! You and _Ciel_, maybe."

They fell silent. Sebastian's aura got, if possible, even darker.

"So now you think I'm a pedophile," he said. Ash sighed.

"Buddy, you just _cannot_ be consoled."


	3. Chapter 3: Of Cows and Open Ends

"I will always be -" Claude wheezed, getting in a cough or two. "-'s butler."

His eyes shut and his head fell to the side. Sebastian stared at him in silence for a moment.

_Slap_.

_Slap slap slap slap slap_.

Claude growled and opened his eyes. "_What_?" he snapped. After a moment, he realized his mistake and hurried to remedy it. "Oh, er, I mean _thank you_, kind Sebastian, for bringing me to life! Oh, the Master will be _so pleased_!"

"Shut up," Sebastian said. "And what do you think you're doing? You can't end it like that! Believe it or not, you have fans!"

Claude gave him a very patronizing look, and Sebastian's confident expression faded.

"Well, _Alois_ has fans," he said. "And they want to know who you're loyal to! So spill it, fatty."

Claude glared and tried to get comfortable. "Could you at least remove the sword?"

"No."

"But it's in my appendix!"

"You're a demon. Suck it up."

"Jerkface." The fat butler scooted further up on the rock, causing the sword to slice completely through his ... erm ... nether regions. "_Ow_."

"Well, if you weren't such an _idiot_..."

"I know, I know! Shut up. Just - it's on my -"

"Yeah."

"Right on the -"

"Yeah."

"_Would you let me finish_?"

"No. I _really_ don't want to know what it's on right now."

Claude muttered something that may or may not have been an eternally-damning curse. "Well, you might as well get comfy too. As far as I know, I'm only alive 'cause I haven't answered yet. I'm gonna milk this for _days_."

Sebastian agreed, and took a seat. "Fine with me. I saw how this episode ends, and I am _not_ in a hurry."

The two of them settled for polite conversation. Being demons, the word 'polite' is up for interpretation.

"So, can you, like, turn into a bunch of spiders?" Sebastian asked. "To, you know, freak people out? Like in Arachnophobia!"

Claude curled his lip. "Ugh, that's disgusting!" he cried. "Why would you say something like that? And dude - Arachnophobia won't be released till, like, the _sixties_! Don't ruin it for the hippies, dawg."

"So you can't turn into a bunch of spiders."

"Right."

"Just one, itty bitty baby spider."

" ... Where is this going? Will it make me cry?"

"Probably."

Claude considered. "Yes. One spider."

Sebastian made a big show of taking off his shoe, examining the bottom of it, looking at Claude, and putting the shoe back on again.

"I wish I was dead again," Claude moaned. "What about you? Can you turn into a flock of crows?"

Sebastian gasped, and his eyes turned an eerie tickle-me-pink. "_How do you know of my secret form_?"

"Chill, chill!" Claude cried, raising his hands as a barrier. "I just assumed! I mean, come on - black hair, black clothes, birdish features -"

"_WHAT_?"

"I mean, girlish! _Girlish_ features!"

"Oh." The black butler leaned against the ledge, relaxing for just a minute. "What do you think Hannah turns into?" he asked.

"A cow," Claude instantly replied. There was a moment's pause.

"So, when you milk her -?"

"Yes."

"In the -"

"Yes."

"Hm. Have you ever -"

"Twenty times. Shut up. The Master needed milk."

Sebastian snickered. "Dude. That's wrong."

"Indeed."

Hannah stood on the edge of the cliff, trying to see into the darkness below. "OK, this is weird," she said to the inanimate corpse in her hands. "I _swear_ they went down that hole."

"Fart," said the corpse.


	4. Chapter 4: Of Church and Not Being Gay

Sundays at the Phantomhive estate were a generally quiet and blasphemous affair. Ciel had come to count on these days of silence.

What he hadn't come to count on was Aunt Frances, who apparently was Catholic and proud of it.

"Idiocy," the Earl muttered, dressed in his Easter best (yeah - it was Easter). Sebastian sat beside him, trying desperately to free himself and his master of glued-on bunny ears.

"She wouldn't even be taking us if it wasn't the holidays," Bard whined. "Look at her - you think that devil woman can even set _foot_ in church?"

Here Sebastian and Ciel shared one of their many significant looks. As usual, nobody noticed.

"_Can_ Aunt Frances set foot in church?" the boy whispered. "Because that would make escape very easy."

"We're going to _church_?" Sebastian gasped. After a moment's pause, he took his daily dose of Ritalin. "Oh, wait. Now I remember."

Ciel rolled his eyes.

Several minutes later, the group stood in front of the chapel, stalling for as long as possible. What lay behind those doors was even worse than hell. It was Aunt Frances - and that was _Sebastian'_s analogy. You can trust him on stuff like that.

Ciel let out a shaky breath and stepped forward.

"Alright, gang," he said, "our mission is simple. We get in. We sit. We get out. Finny - don't touch anything. Actually, _none_ of you touch anything."

They all approached the doors, with the very-noticeable exception of Sebastian. The servants turned to him curiously.

"Oh, go on without me," he said with a smile. "I have - er - irritable bowel syndrome. It is _most_ ungodly."

Sufficiently disturbed, they went ahead.

"What are you doing?" Ciel hissed. The demon cast a glance toward the heavens and took several steps back.

"Young Master, I can't go in there," he said.

"Why the crap not?"

There was a very long pause. Sebastian mumbled something.

"What was that?"

"I said, I'll get _smote_. It's like, _law_ with that guy or something."

Ciel furrowed his eyebrows, not sure if his ears were working. "Did you just call God _'that guy'_?"

"Well, I can't exactly say his _name_. I'll sizzle and burn!"

The Earl gave him a disbelieving look. "Sebastian, I order you to say God."

"God."

_Sizzle._

"_See_?" Sebastian growled. He shook the ashy remnants of his hand to the ground. "And that was my _contract_ hand, too. It's a conspiracy."

Ciel let out an angry grunt, thinking of the monstrosity lurking behind church walls.

"Can't you just, I dunno, repent or something?" he asked. "God's forgiving, I swear. I read it in Reader's Digest."

The demon gave him a very scandalised look. "With all respect, Young Master - and I have every right to say this - _hell_ no."

"Well, why not?"

"_Because I would be smote_. Smo-o-ote!"

"Oh, that's not even a word!" Ciel brushed his jacket off, extremely annoyed. "If we stay out here any longer, Aunt Frances will get mad. And who would you rather face - a smiting God, or an angry Marchioness?"

Sebastian seemed to really consider the matter.

"Frances?" he said.

"You're a moron."

"And _your_ priorities are mixed." Sebastian gave the church a tentative glance, reaching out a finger to it. The finger burnt. "Besides, I am quickly running out of limbs. These things don't grow on trees, you know - there's a long budding process. And molting! Don't get me started."

"GOD!" Ciel roared, garnering many odd looks. "SEBASTIAN REPENTS! YOU CAN LET HIM IN NOW!"

There was a very long pause. Sebastian ventured forward a foot.

_Sizzle_.

"_Thank_ you, Young Master," he said coolly. "Now I am _lame_."

"Well, it's your own fault," Ciel mumbled. "I don't think God likes me. You try."

Sebastian glanced up, and shook his head. "Nuh-uh. That's fraternizing with the enemy. Satan would have my genitals for lunch."

There was a very long pause.

"It's a demon thing," he said. "Not sexual."

To be fair, Ciel knows how to handle a bad situation.

"GOD!" he yelled. "HE'S NOT GAY! WILL YOU LET HIM IN THE BLOODY CHURCH ALREADY?"

"I don't think God likes swear words," Sebastian mused. Ciel fell to the ground in a breathless pile.

"Hopeless!" he gasped. Sebastian knelt down next to him, trademark smile in place.

"If it helps, Young Master, I could always get purified. Angela gave me a coupon."

Ciel sighed. From inside the church, there was the sound of demonic yelling.

About three dozen men left the church.

"I see Frances is up to her old charms," Sebastian said. "Ooh, look at that one. He must've gotten the old 'knife up the tenders' trick."

His low chuckle was met with glares.

"I'll be going, then," he said.


	5. Chapter 5: Of Turf Wars and Poop

It was a sunny day in Ping Pong's Opium Den, but not all people were happy. Lau waited outside, crouched in a most-untigerly position, and tried to see what was so appealing.

"That guy's not even tall," he muttered, making a face. "He's like a Chinese dwarf. If I could have him for lunch, I would."

"Meow," said Ran Mao, who for simplicity's sake has been turned into a cat (don't ask questions).

"And _what _kind _of name_ is _Ping Pong_?"

Somewhere in the distance, a clever reader thought, _What kind of name is Madame Red? _Sadly, it's not you.

"Maybe women like his charm," suggested Ran Mao, who for simplicity's sake has been turned back into a human. Lau scoffed.

"As if! I've got charm by the buttload, you little boat wipe, and don't you forget it!"

At that moment, a young boy and his charming butler noticed Lau and tried to sneak by. Being the omniscient little freakster that he is, Lau wasn't fooled.

"My FRIENDS!" he cried, spinning around and throwing out his arms. Ciel and Sebastian instantly stiffened.

"Ohhh ... _Lau_ ...," Ciel said. "How pleasant to see you - _Sebastian, get me out of here_!"

"Hi, Lau," said Sebastian. "How ya been?"

"Oh, you know," Lau laughed, latching on to Ciel's arm. "Getting drunk. Getting high. Getting some of that. You?"

"The same, the same."

Ciel growled, managing to pull his arm out of the Oriental's vicelike grip. He was two steps away when Lau bore down on him, his face darkened and his eyes red.

"_I KNOW KUNG FU_," he hissed. Whimpering, Ciel gave him back his arm.

* * *

It was two hours later, and Ciel and Sebastian were hopelessly tangled in Chinese escapades.

"You_ had_ to talk to him," Ciel whispered, battling the Asian love kitten who was trying to smear his face with warpaint. "_Oh, Lau, how are you_ doing? Do_ tell us all about it_! Idiot."

"I never said that," Sebastian grumbled. "I was just being polite. _One _of us has to be."

"Well, yes, and look where that got us! Sebastian, we are in a freaking_ turf war _... with a Chinese midget! He's shorter than _me_! Do you have any idea how weird this is?"

"It could be weirder," Sebastian said. Ciel sighed, resisting the urge to ram his head into the wall.

"_How_?" he hissed. The butler paused for thought.

"You know that scene in Lion King?" he said. "The one where the meerkat dresses up as a hula girl?"

Eyebrows furrowing, Ciel turned to look at his servant. "Yes ..." he said.

"Once, I saw Claude do that."

...

"Only without the clothes."

* * *

"Alright," Ciel moaned. "It's dark out. I can only take so much more of this."

"I think it's going pretty well," Sebastian said, glancing over the bushes. "I mean, they're not really fighting. They're just sorta throwing stuff at each other."

Ciel poked his head up, eyes wide. "What kind of stuff?" he said.

_Splat_.

"Poop."

"That's it," Ciel growled, wiping the unmentionable, opium-smelling waste from his mouth. "Sebastian, this is an order. Distract them - I'm running away."

"Yes!"

The Earl took off, weaving under the bushes and across the street. Turning back, Sebastian saw hundreds of Orientals looking his way. He began to sweat.

"Gyration?" he asked. Lau grinned.

"Yes, please."

* * *

In an hour, Ciel started to feel worried. Surely Sebastian was fine - but shouldn't he have come back by now? What if the Chinese had gotten him, and dug a hole into China?

Or worse, what if Sebastian had dug a hole to Hell?

Actually, he could probably live with that. It would be one less Lau in his life.

But nevertheless, he went back, peeking over the bushes to scope the situation.

And Sebastian was ...

Gyrating?

"Sebastian!" he shouted. The butler looked up, but his hips continued their sultry love song - er, dance.

"Young Master?" he said. "Oh, hi. I'd invite you over, but, um, it's kind of R-rated and, uh, I don't think your mom would -"

"WOULD YOU SHUT UP AND GET OVER HERE?"

Sebastian blinked, pausing in his awesome rotations. The pimps instantly snapped out of their hypnotic daze.

"Get him!" Ping shouted. Ciel felt his jaw drop.

"Sebastian!" he yelled. "Get out of there! Run!"

There was a pause. Sebastian took a step forward. Ciel's eyebrow began to twitch.

"What are you doing?" he cried. "For goodness's sake, man, _run_!"

"I can't run," Sebastian said, lip curling in disgust. "Do you have any idea how much these butler-pants chafe my thighs?"

_Oh_.

_Geez_.

"I don't care how much they chafe your thighs!" Ciel screamed. "If it's that bad, you can try to lose some weight - BY RUNNING!"

"Hnnnnna," Sebastian sighed. Limp-wristed, he began to trot toward his master.

"I can _walk _faster than that," Ciel muttered, resting his head on his palm. The butler gave him a dirty look, eventually coming up beside the young lord.

"Chillax," he said. "It doesn't matter. Those guys are all coked out anyway - they won't be waking up for a long time."

Ciel glanced up, seeing that all of Ping's men were out cold, while Lau was receiving an unconscious lap-dance from Ran Mao. An accordian was somewhere in there, but you'll have to use your imagination. If I put that in, it'd be rated M.

"Of all the things," Ciel muttered, turning green. "Sebastian, I believe I've wet myself. Change my shorts."

"Yes, sir," Sebastian said.

* * *

The End.


	6. Chapter 6: Of Spiders and Craig

"Everyone, gather around," Ciel called, standing in the middle of the room with his hands behind his back. There was no response.

Sighing, he drew a whistle and blew it.

_ Fwip._

_ Fwip._

_ Fwip._

_ Fwip_.

"Very good," the little lord said, snapping his stop-pocketwatch closed. "Twelve seconds."

"_I _was here in five," Sebastian bragged. Ignoring him completely, Ciel started to pace around.

"Everyone, I would like to introduce you to a new comrade of yours," he announced. There was a dramatic pause.

"Why?" Maylene said. Startled, Ciel glanced about in confusion.

"Why not?" he said. "The rest of you aren't worth my royal crap, so I don't see why I can't hire new help."

Self-esteem duly shattered, the servants fell quiet.

"Servants," Ciel said, "meet Craig."

...

"Craig?" Sebastian said. A man came out from behind the curtain, munching on some Teddy Grahams and reading John Glenn.

"Yo," said Craig. There was a disbelieving pause. Sighing, Sebastian pulled his bocchan away.

"Young Master," he whispered, "does anything about Craig seem ... _odd_ to you?"

"No," Ciel said, eyeing the Teddy Grahams a bit too avidly to be paying attention. Sebastian hit him on the head just to be sure.

"Are you certain?" he prompted. The boy sighed and gave him a glare.

"Sebastian, you're just being jealous. I see absolutely nothing odd about Craig."

The butler's jaw dropped.

"Young Master, he has a human's head ... and a _spider's_ body! He's obviously Claude!"

"Who?" Ciel replied.

_Stupid SpongeBob_, Sebastian thought. _Ruining my seme's mind_.

"Listen," he said. "Do you know anyone else - anyone in the _world_ - who has a spider's body?"

_And eats Teddy Grahams_?

"You're being ridiculous," Ciel scoffed. "_You_ were like that when I met_ you_, and I never once made_ you _feel like a freak."

"I was a CROW!" Sebastian cried. "That's quite a bit of difference between being a freaking half-man _spider_!"

By now, they had garnered everyone's attention. Sobbing in hurt and pain, Craig continued on to eat Tanaka.

"Um," Bard said, rubbing the back of his head and wondering if he should help.

"Let it go," Maylene whispered. Sagely, they both nodded.

After all, one couldn't very well survive in the Phantomhive house without ignoring a bit of ... _stuff_.

Like gay stuff, for instance. But cannibalism works too!

* * *

"Just ignore his physical appearance," Ciel patronized, grouping his servants together. "Can you do that for me?"

Huffing, Sebastian crossed his arms.

"Fine," he said. "But I at least wanna know his last name. And if you say_ Faustus_, I swear to Claude I'm gonna hit someone."

"Heheh," Craig said. "_Hit_."

"He doesn't have a last name," Ciel replied, also crossing his arms. Before Sebastian could protest, he raised a hand in the air. "And neither, if memory serves, do _you_."

Long pause here.

"WHAT?" Sebastian roared. "I have a last name! You _gave_ me my last name, you freaking psychopath! How the crap can you say I don't have a last _name_?"

"Come on, Craig, let's go," Ciel said. Giving Sebastian an evil sneer, Craig left the room, pincers clicking as he went.

* * *

Later that day

* * *

"Sebastian-san?"

"Yes, Finny?"

"Why are you killing those spiders?"

"Because spiders are pests, Finny."

"But then, why are you squeezing their internal juices out and eating the remains?"

"Carbohydrates, Finny. Carbohydrates."

* * *

That night, Sebastian returned to his room. He was just in the process of writing his name (first AND last, thank you very much) on everything he owned when there was a knock at the door.

"Hm?" he said._ I wonder who that could be_.

He hadn't heard anyone ... so that meant...!

"_Claude_," he growled, springing off the bed and throwing open the door. Outside was -

A bulletin board.

Confused, Sebastian knelt and picked it up, examining every aspect. The bulletin board was covered with pictures.

Nude pictures.

_Of him_.

"_Craig_ ...?" he whimpered, looking around. Very slowly, he grabbed the board and retreated into his room, never noticing what had crawled in through the open door.

* * *

5.

4.

3.

2.

* * *

"OH MY FREAKING _HELL_! AAAH! SOMEONE GET A SHOE! ...AAH... UUAAAHHH!"

* * *

The next day, Craig was nowhere to be seen, and Sebastian was sporting some very odd stains on his jacket lapels.

"Sebastian?" Finny ventured at around lunchtime. "What's that on your coat?"

Smiling, the butler offered him another helping of his new brand of tea.

"Oh, nothing, Finny," he said. "Oh ... nothing."


	7. Chapter 7: Of Texting and Flapping Limbs

"Madame Red is dead," Ciel growled, "and she shall never be avenged. She doesn't deserve my vengeance. My vengeance is not complete. Revenge! Revenge! Re—"

_Oh, hell_, Sebastian thought. _It's the vengeance rant again_.

"Vengeance shall be mine! Vengeance! Vengeance!"

Sighing dramatically, Ciel flipped his hair over his eyes and looked up provocatively, like his theater teacher taught him. He surveyed the room with endless sorrow in his shiny blue orb.

But everyone was looking at their phones.

"Sebastian!" Ciel hissed, jumping off the coffin he liked to keep in his parlor for angsting purposes. "What are you doing?"

"Texting?" Sebastian said. He slipped his phone into his pocket and tried to look normal. "It's like, cool."

"Who are you texting?"

"I dunno."

Ciel's eyes narrowed. "Sebastian," he intoned, "who. Are. You. _Texting_?"

Very audibly, Sebastian gulped.

"Now, if I said _Alois_," he started.

"ALOIS? You _talk _to that freaking psycho? He has your number? _I _don't even have your number!"

Sebastian grimaced as sympathetically as he could. Suddenly, his cell phone emitted a muffled beep.

"What was that?" Ciel demanded.

"Oh, uh, well, that was – a fart! Just a fart, Young Master. _Boy_, that smells!"

For a moment, Ciel seemed suspicious. Luckily, Sebastian – like all demons – was able to produce tiny, living skunks from his ginormous pores. The result created a very fart-like smell.

"That is _nasty_," Ciel retched, backing away. "Ugh! Why is no one else _reacting to this_?"

"They're texting," Sebastian explained. As if to prove his point, absolutely no one looked up.

"I'm all alone," Ciel whispered, turning and crawling to his coffin. "No one wants to be my friend."

Instantly, Sebastian was rankled. "Dude, I sent you a friend request , like, five times and you never confirmed!"

Ciel ignored him. He was on his coffin now, and nothing could stop the tears of blood. Rolling around angstily on the smooth surface, he managed to push up his sleeves.

"See this?" he moaned, thrusting his arm under Sebastian's nose. "That's a _scar_. I_ cut_ myself."

"Young Master, that's a pimple. It's dripping _pus_."

Ciel stared at it for a moment. He was completely derailed. There was a moment of blissful silence.

"Hey, guys," Bard said while Ciel tried to make his pimple said. "Guess what."

_What_? Maylene texted him.

"I'm on Lizzie's Facebook page, and she says she's gone Goth."

Somewhere in the background, Ciel could be heard telling Sebastian that the pimple was a telltale sign of bubonic plague.

"Lizzie's Goth?" said Finny. "Why?"

"I dunno. She just has a bunch of pictures and crap. And she changed her name to Raven."

"That is so cool!" Sebastian cried. "I wanna change my name to Raven! Oh, I cou – _yes_, Young Master, _quite_ fatal."

"I _knew_ it," Ciel hissed. Absently, Sebastian patted him on the head and informed him that grown-ups were speaking.

Grumbling to himself, Ciel went off into the forest, contemplating his imminent Plague Death and wishing that he had someone who understood his pain.

"Now, where were we?" Sebastian smiled.

"Lizzie's gone Goth," Maylene said. "And none of us know why."

"Oh, yes," Sebastian said. "Very sad. _I_ think –"

"Maybe she wants to be closer to the Young Master!" Bard gasped. "Isn't he Goth?"

"He's _emo_," Sebastian stressed, slightly annoyed. "As I was saying—"

"Or maybe she's depressed because Madame Red died," said Ran Mao, who for simplicity's sake has been turned into a lemur who wears dresses and knows kung fu.

"Or maybe –" Bard started. He stopped very suddenly when he turned around and accidentally found himself sucking on Sebastian's nose. After a moment of awkward fumbling, the situation was solved and Sebastian – whose demonic aura was threatening Finny with a knife – had the floor.

_Oh, lovely floor_, he thought, giving it a particularly amorous gaze. _Together at last_.

Rather rudely, someone cleared their throat.

"Right," Sebastian said. "Now, I only interrupted because I, being perfect, am always right. So you really should have just asked me."

"You're not perfect!" Agni protested.

"Agni, shut up. I am too."

"Oh, yes, Mr. Big-Shot Englishman? What about that time with the genital warts?"

[All footage is lost at this point until thirty seconds later, where picture reappears with Agni's naked behind glaring at everyone from a broken window, where he is wedged. Scientific analysis later showed that he was forced to ingest his own clothes along with everyone else's, which was weird.]

"As I was saying," Sebastian said, "I find it very clear that Lizzie has gone Goth because she's so madly in love with me."

A long pause met these words.

"You're not Goth," Bard deadpanned.

"Of course I am," Sebastian glared. "I have a My Chemical Romance poster. I'm in love with Gerard Way."

"He _does _wear all black," Maylene whispered, swayed by Sebastian's amazing proof.

"Right, but does _that alone_ make him Goth?" Bard pondered. "If only we had some sort of equation – an irrefutable law on what makes Goths Goth!"

And so, they set to work.

* * *

Thirty Minutes Later

[The scene opens once more. Everyone is dressed as guerilla warriors and working diligently at Math.]

"Aha!" Bard said. "I've got it!"

Instantly, everyone crowded around his desk (except for Agni, who was still stuck in the window, and Soma, who'd been knocked out in a bit of office death match).

"_Well_?" Sebastian demanded. "Am I Goth?"

"That depends," Bard said. "Luckily, it can all be solved with one question."

"Well, say it!"

"Sebastian," Bard declared, "who is the sexiest man alive?"

Sebastian gaped. He gave it a moment's thought.

"Me?" he guessed. Solemnly, Bard consulted the chart. This took several minutes, as the chart was rather long.

"Come on, man!" Sebastian cried. "Am I Goth or not? Goth, not? Goth-not-Goth-not-gay –"

Everyone stared.

"GOTH!" Sebastian corrected hastily. "Not gay. Goth. Simple mistake. Just a – _Stop looking at_ _me_!"

Disgruntled, Bard turned his eyes back to the chart.

"According to this," he said, "you are in fact a cartoon character. You are not real, you have no sense of being, and no personality. You are completely 2D. And yet, you find yourself attractive."

_So far, so good_, Sebastian thought. Bard took a deep, dramatic breath.

"You're deranged," he said.

There was a very, very long pause. Everyone stared at Sebastian, whose eyebrows were furrowed in thought. Finally, he gave a little shrug.

"Good enough," he said.

* * *

Meanwhile, In the Woods

"What you're saying, Friendly Spider, is that all I have to do is run through this spider web and I can have all the X-Men figurines in the world?" Ciel asked.

Friendly Spider nodded. Threatening opera music played.

"Great!" Ciel cried. "I'll teach Sebastian to deny me the smoking hot abs of Wolverine!"

Arms flapping, he ran through the web.

"Whee!"


End file.
